Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Day Seven : Portland, OR to Santa Nella, CA

Mile 15536 -- We're off! Bye Kennedy School! Bye Nate 1! Bye Nate 2! We'll miss you all!

Mile 1538 -- Oregonians love Edie Brickell.

Mile 1540 -- Breakfast break at Alice's restaurant recommendation: Doug Fir Lounge. Delicious and hip. Although there is an excessively tall beautiful male waiter working at the restaurant, we get stuck with a short surly waiter who brings us four different bottles of hot sauce.

Mile 1549 -- Tragedy at Starbucks. Jeff discovers that all of the Dunkin Donuts in Portland have closed.

Mile 1555 -- Lost in downtown Tigard, looking for the Tigard city post office.

Mile 1557 -- Tigard city post office found! While Jeff is off posting his parcels, Jon finally purchases new windshield wipers at Car Quest. Now we can finally hear Kelly Clarkson clearly. Jeff misses the old windshield wipers.

Mile 1558 -- Note to self, check out:

Mile 1558.8 -- We're back in Portland. What happened???

Mile 1559 -- "Now exiting Portland." Back on track!

Mile 1564 -- Nature's jizz appears to have already mussied up the new windshield wipers.

Mile 1657
-- Hi Eugene!

Mile 1659 -- Bye Eugene!

Mile 1695 -- "Overside Load." Hot.

Mile 1696 -- We pass a sign for a town called "Yonkcalla." Someone (GayGay Jon) makes a terrible Starlet related joke: "Yoncall-A...Yonkcall-U"

Mile 1715 -- Lunch break at "A & W" (a fast food root beer related joint located INSIDE of a Chevron Station in Umpqua, OR). Jeff is very excited...Jon is not.

Road Lesson #3: "Do Not Agitate the Root Beer Float," Amber (the A & W employee) anounces. In his head, Jon retorts, "I stuck a fuckin' straw in it, c*nt! I didn't agitate it!" Apparently, the root beer float is agitating him now.

Mile 1715.7 -- Back on the road again. Jon drives now, mostly so he can pick the next place to eat.

Mile 1720 -- Caught in traffic, about to die Final Destination II style.

Mile 1749 -- How do you spell A&W? R-O-L-A-I-D-S.

Mile 1819 -- Jon's so gay. He probably thinks this line is about him...

Mile 1847 -- Visibility: 0.8 inches--remarkably similar to the ratings of The Big Pile of Who Cares which shall remain nameless....and, apparently, viewerless.

Mile 1851.4 -- Bye bye, Oregon! "Welcome to California!" We only kind of missed you.

Mile 1868 -- Jon's now a lesbian. You win, Julia!

Mile 1878 -- Rainbow greets Jon the Lesbian and Jeff the homo.

Mile 1950 -- Jeff finally realizes his "Bit Machine" is broken, joins Mandel in comedy jail.

Mile 1965.2 -- Pee Break!

Mile 1968.4 -- Lost in Redding--and once again, we're Peggyless.

Mile 1969 -- Four minutes later--back on track!

Mile 1999 -- We're at 1999! Let's party like it's. . . .nevermind.

Mile 2000 -- At Susanville off the 5. This seems like a milestone...but it really isn't, apparently.

Mile 2034 -- California smells like rear ass.

Mile 2052 -- Jon's still pissed about the exploding root beer float.

Mile 2055 -- 75 Miles to dinner in Sacramento!

Mile 2089 -- Jon asks the musical question, "What's love got to do with it?" Cows moo in response, which is more than Jeff does.

Mile 2095 -- Jeff wonders why Right Said Fred is on his radio, and begins to pine for Kelly Clarkson.

Mile 2114 -- 398 Miles to Los Angeles, 17 to dinner!

Mile 2129 -- Downtown Sacramento! Off to find a restaurant!

Mile 2131 -- Mission Aborted! Downtown Sacramento is closed--except for the Check-cashing places, and some restaurant that seems to double as a homeless shelter attached to ""Shoppingtown."

Mile 2131.5 -- Lost, scared and hungry in Sacramento.

Mile 2132 -- As the dynamic duo try to find their way back to the freeway, Jeff channels Woody Allen. Consequently, Jon, for the first time ever, is grateful he is not a 14 year old Asian girl.

Mile 2133 -- The road trip tragically turns into a scene from Alive as Jon gnaws on Jeff.

Mile 2133.2 -- Finally back on the freeway fifteen minutes later. Starving.

Mile 2135 -- There seems to be nothing around for miles, except darkness. And a truck carrying what seems to be butter, which is sad because not only do we need food--the car is going to run out of gas any second now.

Mile 2137 -- Jeff and Jon thank their lucky stars they got the giant limited-edition box of Orange Tic-tacs, as they suck them down for sustenance. "Because that word is funny," adds Jon.

Mile 2140 -- Jon doesn't listen to Jeff when he suggests to get off at the military base to eat and ogle hot military guys. Starving ensues.

Mile 2142 -- Jeff's right eye, still weakened from the jizzy-sheets a few days ago, fails to see in color, as his brain slowly shuts down from malnutrition.

Mile 2144.6 -- Jeff and Jon find a Wendy's and attempt to enter...only to find it is closed.

Mile 2144.8 -- Except the Drive-in is open! Yay food!

Mile 2145.6 -- As Jon attempts to pull into the gas station, we are accidentally placed back on the I-5. Jeff nearly pees his pants as Jon screams. Both of their mouths are full of the new Turkey & Pesto sandwich that Wendy's now offers. Sadly, neither of them were able to taste it, as they were too busy shoving it down their throats whole.

Mile 2147.5 -- Next exit up...this one better have a potty.

Mile 2147.6 -- Potty! And gas!

Mile 2147.9 -- Back on the freeway...Jeff at the wheel.

Mile 2199 -- Jeff talks about aliens and UFO's....and proceeds to scare the crap out of himself.

Mile 2210 --Jeff asks Jon who got killed in Modesto. Jon calmly informs Jeff that he would rather talk about zombies.

Mile 2217 -- Best Western in Santa Nella for the night.


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