Sunday, August 24, 2008

We're Baaaaaaaaack!

I wouldn't call it a comeback...

East Infection Animation

It's really more of a flare up.

For more road trip blog hilarity, please see East Infection 2008. We promise that you'll only be slightly disappointed.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Carjoy is the NEW Road Trip!

Jeff and Jon are going on another road trip.

And here is the blog to prove it:

Send Help.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Final Leg

No, I'm not talking about some hot boy with one leg that I've fallen (or at least leaned) for. Today was the last leg of our west coast tour.

Last night, as we retired in Santa Nella, CA, I had only one thing on my mind--the weird guy at the front desk. I was terrified that he was going to climb into our room and murder us while we slept. When I walked into the lobby to check in, he immediately made some weird comment about my T-shirt--and about how it seems to give would-be bad guys a perfect place to aim. He also related a story about when he was "in the academy" and the coroner came in to address the class. The coroner said the weirdest night he ever had was when he encountered a body which had a tattoo on the bottom of his foot: An arrow pointing to his big toe that read, "Place Toe Tag Here."

He thought it was hilarious. I, however, did not. He also informed us that his wife was the reincarnation of Henny Youngman, complete with quips such as: "Take my husband, please!" It was then that I prayed for death....

But we lived through the night and went to breakfast at some sort of pea-soup factory. Afterwards, we piled into the car and headed through the desert.

We're home...and I'm tired. But I don't have to start my new job until Friday, so I have a day to rest up--and post some photos to the blog.

And now, i'm crawling into my jizzy-free bed!


Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Day Eight : Santa Nella, CA to Los Angeles, CA

Mile 2247.7 -- Bye Santa Nella! We didn't get to really know you, so we won't really miss you!

Mile 2247.8 -- Hello Pea Soup Andersen's Restaurant! Apparently, Andersen's Restaurant is famous for it's pea soup. Our waitress, Sharon, serves us a deliciously greasy meal. For his Traveler's Bargain Breakfast, Jon chooses Orange Juice over Pea Soup. Jeff is disappointed in Jon, yet he doesn't order Pea Soup either.

Mile 2249 -- 2249 miles down! Only 273 left to go!

Mile 2251 -- Kelly Clarkson rocks the car again. Jeff wishes he had jizzy ear.

Mile 2252-- Hi...we're in Fresno! Jeff refuses to stop the car, even though Jon really wants to visit Anne Heche and Celestia.

Mile 2262 -- After hearing a non-stop Better Than Ezra/Dishwalla/New Radicals/Dionne Farris set on the radio...Jeff and Jon discover that the 90s are the new 80s.

Mile 2310 -- Mystery nature jizz onto he windshield!

Mile 2317 -- Jon almost dies choking on a Mentos Cool Chew. No wonder they have been discontinued...they are little blue balls of death!

Mile 2336 -- The car jizzes on Jon.

Mile 2337 -- "There are some really beautiful parts of the country," Jeff declares, "but this is not one of them."

Mile 2389 -- Jeff and Jon get a call from Peggy, who informs them that they missed an earthquake AND a tornado in Redding, CA. According to religious forecasters, they will also be missing swarms of locusts and the slaying of the first born.

Mile 2420 -- We continue to drive through the very "beautiful" countryside of Central California. Jeff wishes both of his eyes were jizzy.

Mile 2421 -- 100 miles to LA everyone!

Mile 2422 -- Bakersfield radio is the worst. They replay a "highlight" of their morning zoo show where callers bitch about the hot sauce. Seriously. I don't know if you've heard, but hot sauce is the NEW comedy.

Mile 2485 -- Lunch break in Santa Clarita at T.G.I.Friday's. Jeff and Jon eat leafy green vegetables for the first time in days. They just miss out on getting scurvy.

Mile 2514 -- Back in LA! And Renee Zellweger has gone off and married an idiot! If only Jeff and Jon were in town, they would have been able to stop the wedding.

Ore-GONE (but not forgotten...)

As I write this entry from a hotel room in Santa Nella, California (Population: Crazy), it is approximately one-hundred o' I'll make this brief, yet rambly.

Last night (Monday) was our final night in Portland, OR. Jon and I ventured out to a creperie called Le Happy. We had originally planned on just eating dinner there and heading out to some other bar--but, well, the combination of their cool atmosphere, fun board games and the "Here, Kitty" strawberry-and-liquor beverages kept us there for the remainder of the evening. Our very-nice waiter promised that it gets very busy there on Monday nights, but because of the severe weather, he wasn't sure what would happen. That was just fine by me. I was definitely ready for a quiet-ish night after our week abroad.

Jon and I whiled away the evening with rounds of Sorry, Chinese Checkers, American Checkers (as they call it in China), Yahtzee and Connect Four...As well as rounds of "Here, Kitties"--one of which was on the house because our waiter forgot about us for a little while. But we didn't care...we were busy trying to leave each other in the Gumdrop Forrest. (HOT!)

This morning, I was sad to leave the hotel (see Jon's post about more hot people working at the front desk) but I was psyched to go find a Dunkin Donuts. Being from the east coast, I get pissy sometimes when I can't have a lemon-filled powdered donut made just right. For some reason, there are no Dunkin' Donuts in California at all. I hate this story and lament about it nearly every day. But i did some research--there are three of them in Portland!

As Jon and I got off the 5 at the appropriate exit, we noticed something was off--The address where I was told the Dunkin Donuts was had a sign on it that said "STARBUCKS." I nearly burst into tears right then, but quickly remembered there were two more locations. I called 411 and they connected me to the nearest Dunkin Donuts straightaway!

A gentleman answered the phone, and I couldn't quite make out what he said, but it didn't certainly sound like "Dunkin Donuts, home of the most delicious donuts that ever crossed your tongue, how may I serve you today?" I said, "Pardon? What did you say?"

"Dippin' Donuts. Can I help you?"

"Surely, there must be some mistake," I thought, "I clearly asked directory assistance for a Dunkin Donuts. I'm going to write a stern letter," I continued to think.

"Can I help you," came the voice again.

"Umm, is this Dunkin Donuts?"

"No. This used to be a Dunkin Donuts. I bought it and now it's a Dippin' Donuts."

"But I don't want Dippin' Donuts. Aren't there any Dunkin' Donuts left in Portland?"

"Nope...this was the last one."

Again I found myself on the edge of tears as I slammed my phone shut. We made our way back to the freeway, saddened by the lack of pastries in Portland.

Where the fuck are all the Dunkin Donuts going?

Anyway, the only way to make this up to myself was to stop at an A&W Root Beer stand on the way back to California. I needed a Root Beer Float badly. When we arrived at the stand in Umpqua, OR, Jon was pale in the face--somewhat less than enthused about our fast-food venture. I ran over to the 17 year old girl behind the counter (Amber) and then stared dumbly at the menu. Jon decided to have the chicken know, to be healthy. He added some fries and a float for just 59 cents more. The float was presented to him as I ordered my #1. I could hear chaos ensuing seconds later.

I looked over at Jon to see a virtual root beer river on the counter. Jon was shocked, but Amber seemed non-plussed. "They do that," she offered. "You can't agitate them." Jon, now agitated himself, rushed over to find some napkins and begin cleaning up as Amber ignored Jon and allowed me to add something called "Cheese Curds" to my order.

The food was fried and tasty, just how I remember it... And the service was sassy and inane, just how I like it. As we were leaving, Amber was busy chatting it up with friend and co-worker Jessie at a booth towards the back. A 60+ trucker came in and plopped himself at the counter, waiting to be noticed. I stood and watched out of the corner of my eye while Jon was busy in the bathroom. Amber stood up and shuffled her way over to the counter. The man made some remark about her not picking up her feet when she walked. Amber replied, "If I don't pick up my feet when I walk, I don't trip as much." (Keith, maybe you should try this at home!) I pretended to look at the postcards as the customer gave her some kind of hell about this and ordered a root beer. Amber: "You want a regular root beer?" She quoted him a price.

By this time, Jon was outside waiting for me. Behind me, I heard coins fall onto the counter, followed by a stunned silence. I turned around and saw Amber's jaw was agape, complete with blue chewing gum resting on her bottom teeth as she glared at the senior citizen counting up his nickels and dimes in order to pay for his cup of root beer with a side of youth hostility.

I was sufficiently entertained and we exited Oregon for the second and final time this tour.

I'll miss it...but something tells me I'll be back. Even if it's just to see Amber harass everyone who happens to cross her path.

It's now one-hundred-thirty and I need to pass out. We'll be back in LA tomorrow!!


Day Seven : Portland, OR to Santa Nella, CA

Mile 15536 -- We're off! Bye Kennedy School! Bye Nate 1! Bye Nate 2! We'll miss you all!

Mile 1538 -- Oregonians love Edie Brickell.

Mile 1540 -- Breakfast break at Alice's restaurant recommendation: Doug Fir Lounge. Delicious and hip. Although there is an excessively tall beautiful male waiter working at the restaurant, we get stuck with a short surly waiter who brings us four different bottles of hot sauce.

Mile 1549 -- Tragedy at Starbucks. Jeff discovers that all of the Dunkin Donuts in Portland have closed.

Mile 1555 -- Lost in downtown Tigard, looking for the Tigard city post office.

Mile 1557 -- Tigard city post office found! While Jeff is off posting his parcels, Jon finally purchases new windshield wipers at Car Quest. Now we can finally hear Kelly Clarkson clearly. Jeff misses the old windshield wipers.

Mile 1558 -- Note to self, check out:

Mile 1558.8 -- We're back in Portland. What happened???

Mile 1559 -- "Now exiting Portland." Back on track!

Mile 1564 -- Nature's jizz appears to have already mussied up the new windshield wipers.

Mile 1657
-- Hi Eugene!

Mile 1659 -- Bye Eugene!

Mile 1695 -- "Overside Load." Hot.

Mile 1696 -- We pass a sign for a town called "Yonkcalla." Someone (GayGay Jon) makes a terrible Starlet related joke: "Yoncall-A...Yonkcall-U"

Mile 1715 -- Lunch break at "A & W" (a fast food root beer related joint located INSIDE of a Chevron Station in Umpqua, OR). Jeff is very excited...Jon is not.

Road Lesson #3: "Do Not Agitate the Root Beer Float," Amber (the A & W employee) anounces. In his head, Jon retorts, "I stuck a fuckin' straw in it, c*nt! I didn't agitate it!" Apparently, the root beer float is agitating him now.

Mile 1715.7 -- Back on the road again. Jon drives now, mostly so he can pick the next place to eat.

Mile 1720 -- Caught in traffic, about to die Final Destination II style.

Mile 1749 -- How do you spell A&W? R-O-L-A-I-D-S.

Mile 1819 -- Jon's so gay. He probably thinks this line is about him...

Mile 1847 -- Visibility: 0.8 inches--remarkably similar to the ratings of The Big Pile of Who Cares which shall remain nameless....and, apparently, viewerless.

Mile 1851.4 -- Bye bye, Oregon! "Welcome to California!" We only kind of missed you.

Mile 1868 -- Jon's now a lesbian. You win, Julia!

Mile 1878 -- Rainbow greets Jon the Lesbian and Jeff the homo.

Mile 1950 -- Jeff finally realizes his "Bit Machine" is broken, joins Mandel in comedy jail.

Mile 1965.2 -- Pee Break!

Mile 1968.4 -- Lost in Redding--and once again, we're Peggyless.

Mile 1969 -- Four minutes later--back on track!

Mile 1999 -- We're at 1999! Let's party like it's. . . .nevermind.

Mile 2000 -- At Susanville off the 5. This seems like a milestone...but it really isn't, apparently.

Mile 2034 -- California smells like rear ass.

Mile 2052 -- Jon's still pissed about the exploding root beer float.

Mile 2055 -- 75 Miles to dinner in Sacramento!

Mile 2089 -- Jon asks the musical question, "What's love got to do with it?" Cows moo in response, which is more than Jeff does.

Mile 2095 -- Jeff wonders why Right Said Fred is on his radio, and begins to pine for Kelly Clarkson.

Mile 2114 -- 398 Miles to Los Angeles, 17 to dinner!

Mile 2129 -- Downtown Sacramento! Off to find a restaurant!

Mile 2131 -- Mission Aborted! Downtown Sacramento is closed--except for the Check-cashing places, and some restaurant that seems to double as a homeless shelter attached to ""Shoppingtown."

Mile 2131.5 -- Lost, scared and hungry in Sacramento.

Mile 2132 -- As the dynamic duo try to find their way back to the freeway, Jeff channels Woody Allen. Consequently, Jon, for the first time ever, is grateful he is not a 14 year old Asian girl.

Mile 2133 -- The road trip tragically turns into a scene from Alive as Jon gnaws on Jeff.

Mile 2133.2 -- Finally back on the freeway fifteen minutes later. Starving.

Mile 2135 -- There seems to be nothing around for miles, except darkness. And a truck carrying what seems to be butter, which is sad because not only do we need food--the car is going to run out of gas any second now.

Mile 2137 -- Jeff and Jon thank their lucky stars they got the giant limited-edition box of Orange Tic-tacs, as they suck them down for sustenance. "Because that word is funny," adds Jon.

Mile 2140 -- Jon doesn't listen to Jeff when he suggests to get off at the military base to eat and ogle hot military guys. Starving ensues.

Mile 2142 -- Jeff's right eye, still weakened from the jizzy-sheets a few days ago, fails to see in color, as his brain slowly shuts down from malnutrition.

Mile 2144.6 -- Jeff and Jon find a Wendy's and attempt to enter...only to find it is closed.

Mile 2144.8 -- Except the Drive-in is open! Yay food!

Mile 2145.6 -- As Jon attempts to pull into the gas station, we are accidentally placed back on the I-5. Jeff nearly pees his pants as Jon screams. Both of their mouths are full of the new Turkey & Pesto sandwich that Wendy's now offers. Sadly, neither of them were able to taste it, as they were too busy shoving it down their throats whole.

Mile 2147.5 -- Next exit up...this one better have a potty.

Mile 2147.6 -- Potty! And gas!

Mile 2147.9 -- Back on the freeway...Jeff at the wheel.

Mile 2199 -- Jeff talks about aliens and UFO's....and proceeds to scare the crap out of himself.

Mile 2210 --Jeff asks Jon who got killed in Modesto. Jon calmly informs Jeff that he would rather talk about zombies.

Mile 2217 -- Best Western in Santa Nella for the night.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

My Pretty Portland - Part Three : The Final Chapter

When Jeff and I were getting ready to leave Portland, I got all excited...because it meant that I was going to have to go check out of our hotel...which meant that I would get the chance to chat with my future husband, Nate the hot front desk guy.

Once Jeff finished packing up his giant green suitcase, we pranced into the front desk office to discover that the original Nate had been replaced by another boy that looked suspiciously like Nate...only he wasn't.

How did we know that this Nate #2 wasn't actually Nate #1?

Well...Nate #1 had shorter and spikier hair, while Nate #2 had adorably crooked teeth and was wearing a giant leather bracelet. Nate #2 also had a sassy tattooed female hipster sidekick. She spent most of our office visit torturing their sixteen year old intern in the gift shop. There was a whole bit about how he wasn't folding the sweatshirts in the proper manner.

So essentially Nate #2 was just like Nate #1...with better accessories.

Nate #2 attempted to make small talk with us, while he was printing out our bill...which was "very nice." I would have typed out our entire conversation here, but truth is...I was too busy trying to figure out if Nate #2 was related to Nate #1, so I was too busy staring to pay attention to what was actually being said. Jeff says that I didn't stutter or drool at I'm assuming that the conversation was much better than my interactions with Nate #1.

I finally snapped out of my Nate #2 daze, when I exited the front desk office and looked at the bill. It turns out that we had been charged eighteen dollars for a gift shop purchase...which wasn't ours. Nate #2 apologized profusely for the accidental charge, while his tattooed sidekick cracked jokes about how they were going to try and stick the charge to another room. The whole exchange would have probably a bit unprofessional but I didn't care, because Nate #2 told us that the next time we were in Portland...we should definitely come back to stay at the Kennedy School.

Hi...I think he loves me.

Monday, May 09, 2005

My Pretty Portland - Part Two

Since I am my father's son, I convinced Jeff to start our only full day in Portland at Powell's City of Books. For those that don't know, Powell's is this giant four story bookstore filled with practically every book you could ever want. There are levels within levels...different colored rooms...a coffee shop...a toy area...the world's craziest parking structure. The whole store is a bit overwhelming...unless you spend a good four hours "situating" yourself (which we did).

Once we wrapped up our marathon Powell's session (I only bought three books, MamaRu!), Jeff and I decided that we had to do something cultural in Portland. Since it was raining, we decided to do something we ventured to Washinton Park, to check out their world famous rose garden...which was beautiful...but more than a little wet.

I Got a Job In Portland!

Except it's really in LA. Some crazy people called while I was in San Fran on Friday and tricked me into a twenty minute phone interview. It's for a show about the Cannes Film Festival--apparently mostly in French. Being that I'm on vacation, and that I don't speak French, I told them to call my friend Celine because, well, she was looking for a job and happens to be fluent in French.

The trio of crazies that interviewed me on the phone said, "Wow! She speaks French? Great! We'll take her...and you!" They officially offered me the job this morning, while I was trying to relax in the schoolroom I'm staying. It's kind of sad, but it's only for three weeks....and it certainly will not be worse than the drudgery of The Show That Shall Remain Unnamed.

Meanwhile, Jon and I are really trying to experience all that Portland has to offer. We went to Powell's. It's the biggest bookstore I've ever seen--spanning one city block three or four stories tall. I don't even know how to explain how insane the parking situation was. There's honking horns involved and numbered spaces and sharp turns and unruly patrons and unrulier parking attendants. (He actually said when I pulled in: "You've never been here before, have you? I can tell.") I hate him and everyone at Powell's.

After we left Powell's, we decided to go check out this world-famous rose garden. In the pouring rain. I nearly drowned.

I need a non-rain-soaked drink and a towel.

worst. gay bars. ever.

After spending hours obsessing about hot front desk guy Nate, Jeff and I decided to get our minds off of venturing out into the world of gay Portland. I got recommendations from a couple of friends (and former Portland-ians) that we should check out this fun, cheesy bar called, "Embers," located in Pearl District. My friend, Alice, had mentioned that "Embers" actually burnt down once when she was little...making the name of the bar ironically hip.

As soon as we walked into "Embers," I wanted to leave. Embers was one of those gay bars that has a bunch of random rainbow colored crap hanging off the walls and ceiling rafters. The actual bar appeared to be made of glass, but on closer turned out to be made of plastic. This clear plastic bar was filled with a bunch of tiny live fish...which would have been cool, if it wasn't so dirty. There were only a few people milling about the bar and most of them were watching a lesbian and a gay-sian perform the world's worst karaoke rendition of the Mariah Carey/Boyz II Men cheesefest, "End of the Road."

Once we ordered drinks, Jeff and I wandering into the back room of Embers, where a boy in short shorts informed us that it was "Latino night" and that there was a five dollar cover, because some drag queens were going to put on a show at midnight. Since I wasn't really in the mood to pay for much of anything at this point, Jeff and I went back to suffer through some more karaoke.

After the gay-sian and the lesbian finished up their individual performances, a woman took the stage that Jeff described as "a lesbian that Molly Shannon would have played on Saturday Night Live." The young lady wore a long flowing skirt, flips flops, and chunky black glasses. She looked incredibly uncomfortable to be standing in front of even the tiniest of audiences. My heart went out to this brave young woman...until she finished up her rendition of "Because the Night," by launching into "Walking in Memphis." As the bespectacled young lady awkwardly shuffled in place, Jeff and I snuck out the door.

I was ready to go home at this point, but for some reason Jeff really wanted to experience ALL that gay Portland had to offer on a Sunday we ended up heading over to "C.C. Slaughter's." I don't really have the time or the inclination to go into great detail about the ridiculousness that was "Slaughter's." Let's just say that "Slaughter's" was a gay video bar...and at least FOUR of their eight televisions were showing gay porn.

Against my better judgment, Jeff convinced me to hang out at the faux industrial-looking bar for a drink...but once the man with the cane and the handlebar mustache hobbled up to the seat next to me...I ran for the door.

Although I didn't stick around to find out, I'm sure the man with the cane was "very nice."

Sunday, May 08, 2005

My Pretty Portland

We're in Portland and so far, Jeff and I haven't really left our hotel complex...which is awesome and amazing. There is a restaurant, three bars, a movie theater, an onsite brewery, and a giant outdoor "soaking pool" that is filled with children.

My only complaint is that the hotel is in an internet dead zone...BUT I was informed by my future boyfriend, Nate the hot front desk guy, that the hotel will be internet ready in less than a month. Yes, I know that no one cares about whether or not the hotel has internet...but all this really meant was that I had to go have a little chat with Nate about where to go to find wireless internet in Portland. He told us to go to a coffee house in Portland's artsy area...on a street called Alberta. It was a very informative conversation...except for the fact that I was staring at Nate so intently that I didn't really absorb a word he said. So...a half hour later, Jeff and I had to return to the principal's office and ask Nate for directions again. This time Jeff paid attention...I tried to look pretty.

Thanks again Nick for the hotel recommendation! This hotel is jizzy sheet free...unless Nate decides to spend the night...

Dolly Pardon...

We've officially made it to Portland, and I couldn't be happier....mostly because I'm now out of that cursed doll's reach. (No offense to Ellen's grandmother, who we've just learned tailored the dress that I trashed in my last drunken post.)

After Jon forced me into the Doll's Lair last night, I sat on the edge of the bed staring at it, trying to convince myself that it was just a doll. (I mean--yes, it is just a doll. But still....) Anyway, after a few minutes, I turned the light off and let the darkness surround me...except I could see the doll's silhouette. So about two seconds later, I turned the light back on and placed a decorative pillow over her. I had somehow convinced that if it moved, then at least I'd hear the pillow fall to the ground and I'd have time to escape. As I type this entry, I realize that was probably not the smartest plan--but it seemed like a really good idea at the time.

This morning, when I woke up and, of course, the doll hadn't moved. Neither did the pillow, thankfully. While I was showering, I remembered that I hadn't removed the pillow--and I was afraid that these nice people who opened their home to me were going to walk into the room and see what I had done. Luckily, I returned to the room before they saw it.

Of course, they're now reading the blog, so they know the full scope of my insanity now anyway. So, here's a special message to Ellen & Art: HI! And thanks! And sorry! And thanks again!

Ellen and Art were kind enough to drive Jon and I around Seattle this afternoon after treating us to brunch. (Which makes me feel doubly guilty about hating that doll--but I can't help it!)

Then Jon and I drove the few hours to Portland, OR, where we checked in to our hotel.

It's an old elementary school that has been converted into a hotel--and it's simply incredible. We'll post some photos later, but rest assured our room has a chalk board in it. Oh, and I love everyone who works there. Even though they have all their fingers. . .

Now I have to go fight Jon for Nate--the hot guy at the front desk/principal's office.


Day Five : Seattle, WA to Portland, OR

Mile 1299 -- Bye Ellen & Art! Bye Molly and Bessie! Thanks for everything!

Mile 1300 -- Coffee break at Tully's.

Mile 1300.2 -- Mohawk + Limp / Walks with a Cane = Jeff's New Boyfriend

Mile 1300.7 -- F***ed again! We're caught in traffic in Seattle.

Mile 1308 -- Bye Seattle! We'll miss you!

Mile 1316 -- Jon needs a new cell phone.

Mile 1363 -- Trident Strawberry Fusion Gum is delicious AND it cleans your teeth (at least that's what the packaging told us).

Mile 1365 -- We run out of sugar-free Mixed Berry Mentos. Jeff spirals into a deep depression that can only be fixed with a Splenda IV.

Mile 1368 -- Jon plays Wilson Phillips' "Hold On" and turns into Super-Homo!

Mile 1375 -- Jon calls to confirm the hotel reservation at "The Kennedy School" hotel. He falls in love with Nate (the front desk guy) over the phone.

Mile 1395 -- Rain...again.

Mile 1414 -- Pee break at the Toutle River Safety Rest Area. Jeff and Jon both decide to skip the "Free Coffee" stand.

Mile 1430 -- Suzanne Vega Rules!

Mile 1464 -- Jeff looks at the dark clouds ahead and announces that he wants "a really good thunderstorm."'s not even close to be thunderstorm season.

Mile 1468 -- We're entering Portland...and it's raining.

Mile 1470 -- Lost in Portland...

Mile 1470.8 -- we're not!

Mile 1474 -- Jeff makes an illegal u-turn. AH!

Mile 1476 -- Lost in Portland...

Mile 1476.2 -- ...seriously this time.

Mile 1479 -- Back on track!

Mile 1479.2 -- Jon primps in the mirror for his big meeting with Nate (the front desk guy at the Kennedy School).

Mile 1479.6 -- We're here! And this hotel really looks like a school! This is so cool! Jeff announces that it looks just like Eastland Academy...from the Facts of Life. Look who's a super-homo now!!!

Happy Mama Day!

Happy Mother's Day to MamaNu, MamaRu, and MamaRu 2!!!

Jon and Jeff

PS: Look what Jon got MamaRu for Mother's Day:

Dress-a-Cat is something every mother needs.

Mama & FatherRu 2 : Seattle Boogaloo

I just sent Jeff to bed, so now I can post a normal sane person's account of our evening in Seattle...not just some crazy diatribe about how an old ceramic doll is going to kill me in my sleep. (Although...I'm very happy that I am sleeping in the basement...two whole stories away from that doll.)

Ellen and Art have been wonderful hosts. As they informed me at dinner, they were the first two people that MamaRu introduced to FatherRu back in the day. Thank g-d they approved of him or else I wouldn't be here blogging today. And that would be a shame.

Although I've only met Art and Ellen about four or five times in my life, they feel very much like Mama & FatherRu I practically fell out of my chair last night at dinner, when Ellen informed us that she called her gay friend to find out where the cool kids hang out in Seattle. Art then pulled out the Seattle Thomas Guide to give us detailed directions on how to get to the gay part of town. It felt so loving, accepting, and comfortable that I practically cried.

So...once we finished with our delicious shrimp dinner that Ellen cooked for us, Jeff and I ventured out to "Manray," a gay video bar where Kelly Clarkson sang about how great it's been since her boyfriend has "been gone."

It was "very nice."

Welcome To The Dollhouse...of horror!

We're staying at MamaRu's college roommate's house--Ellen and her husband Art have been kind enough to let two giant homos ruin their lives for the weekend. And while I'm totally grateful for a place to crash in Seattle for free--I have to say that the thing I'm sharing my room with in this hundred-year-old house is more than a little unnerving:

See? How am I supposed to sleep well with this wicked-looking Madame's Place reject breathing down my neck. That purple dress alone is enough to frighten you to death--and when you add the creepy ceramic-ness to the fold, well, you can count on trouble.

Sure, the jizzy-eye thing didn't make me half-blind like I thought it would (I'm feeling much better, thanks) but I'm positive that I'm going to wake up hanging from the rafters in the morning with Ellen and Art's two adorable kitties biting at my ankles.

Of course, I still really appreciate all that they've done for us--especially the delicious shrimp dinner. I just wish they'd throw that doll in the oven like Karen Black did in Trilogy of Terror. Maybe after Jon goes to bed. . .He's forcing me upstairs now to my demise....

Viva la resistance!

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Day Four : Eugene, OR to Seattle, WA

Mile 998 -- Breakfast at Deb's Family Restaurant. Our waitress, Jessica, is cute, blond, and about 16 years old. Jeff covets her pink braces.

Mile 998.1 -- Bye Eugene!

Mile 1000 -- We've driven a thousand miles everyone!

Mile 1010 -- Casey Kasem is still on the radio...who knew? He's playing Kelly Clarkson! Jon is very excited. Jeff screams on the inside.

Mile 1055 -- We pass signs for "Thrillville" and "Enchanted Forest." We don't stop.

Mile 1057 -- 224 Miles to Seattle!

Mile 1067 -- We pass by a sign that informs us that we're halfway between the Equator and the North Pole...which sounds suspiciously like the leather shoppe that was across the street from Beck's Motor Lodge.

Mile 1080 -- We're listening to the Murmurs in Oregon. Hi...our car being gently humped by Oregonian lesbians.

Mile 1086 -- We pass by a series of yellow signs that read: "Buy Oregon Food," "By the Bushel or the Pound," "It's the Best," "You'll find around." The State of Oregon's Department of Agriculture clearly needs to stop reading Dr. Seuss before "Sign Day."

Mile 1088 -- Ugliest. Car Color. Ever.

Mile 1093 -- F***ed again! We're stuck outside of Portland in traffic.

Mile 1094 -- Jon discovers Jeff's extensive TV Theme collection on his laptop. He declares "It's A Living" to be the BEST TV THEME SONG EVER.

Mile 1100 -- We're in Portland!

Mile 1115.2 -- Bye Portland! See you tomorrow night!

Mile 1115.3 -- We're in Washington!

Mile 1115.4 -- It's raining...again.

Mile 1115.7 -- This is a very busy mile everyone.

Mile 1115.8 -- And we still need new windshield wipers.

Mile 1137 -- "Dike Access Road." Not so hot.

Mile 1164 -- We see signs for Mt. Saint Helens...but not Mt. Saint Helens.

Mile 1206 -- Kelly Clarkson is on the radio again! Since Jon doesn't really feel like dying, he changes the station.

Mile 1209 -- I don't care what you say Jim F***in' Alberano. Chocolate Velamints are disgusting. They taste like hot chocolate powder. And we just ran out of Vanilla Velamints! Ah! Our palates need to be cleansed!

Mile 1211 -- Kelly Clarkson...AGAIN! Jon quickly changeds the station to one that is playing Nirvana. Thank g-d for Kurt Cobain. Hi...we're listening to Nirvana on our way to Seattle, where we are going to drink coffee at Starbucks.

Mile 1215 -- And now we're listening to Pearl Jam. It's like we are in "Singles." Jeff announces he's never seen "Singles." Somewhere in California, Matt Dillon cries.

Mile 1216 -- Summer Crisp Lemon Muffin Break.

Mile 1216.1 -- Jon hearts Neosporin.

Mile 1221 -- We're in Olympia. An All-American City. How do we know that it is an "All-American City?" Because their welcome sign told us so.

Mile 1252 -- After hearing "Mr. Brightside" for the eighth time, Jon decides that he hates radio. (Sorry Bookie!)

Mile 1258 -- We pass by "Enchanted Water Park." Jeff says that it's "magically wet." Jon puts Jeff in the Comedy Penitentiary, where Mandel is serving a life sentence.

Mile 1274 -- We're entering Seattle! And the sun is out...even though this is the one place where it's supposed to be raining.

Mile 1286 -- First Seattle gay bar sighting! Name of gay bar: "Changes"

Mile 1286.7 -- Giant Bike Sighting!

Mile 1286.9 -- We're almost at Ellen and Art's house!

Mile 1287 -- And now...we've passed it.

Mile 1287.1 -- We're here! And there is Ellen on the front porch! It doesn't look like a gay sex hotel at all! You can rest easy tonight MamaRu!

The Joys of Sleeping in Eugene

After a fun filled day of driving, blogging, and hanging out with Peggy in Redding, Jeff and I are spending the night in Eugene...just like MamaRu!

FYI: Eugene is not only the name of a town in Oregon...Eugene is also FatherRu's real name.'s 12:45am and I'm making sex jokes about my parents.

Did I mention they read this blog?


By the way, the only homo bar in Eugene is a converted McDonald's. We have decided to pass, even though the ball pit in Playland sounds promising. Instead, I'm going to go finish watching the Celine Dion A & E Biography...while Jeff is gonna go poke his one good eye out.

We are off to Seattle tomorrow, where we are staying with MamaRu's college chums, Ellen and Art. Let's hope they haven't converted their house into a gay sex hotel.

Blind Ambition

Around 8:30 tonight, I noticed something strange while I was blinking--Every time I closed my eyes for half a second, my right eye was in pain. You don't realize how often you blink until it starts to hurt. I'm now convinced that I got eye-AIDS or chlamydia from the pillow in the Beck's Sex motel. ("Ask for the Beck's Infects special!")

When I wake up tomorrow, there's a chance my right eye will be sealed shut forever. I'll never be able to watch a 3-D movie again, or see one of those computer-generated 3-D images that everyone always claims to be able to see, except that they look like white noise on canvas to me. On the upside, I'll save 50% on LASIK surgery and maybe get a really cool eye-patch with the image of my tattoo on it.

In other news, Julia called Jon today and told him that my posts were "dark." I'm not totally sure why. I'd go off on a tangent now, but I feel as though my jizzy-eye may start oozing on the keyboard, and I'm pretty sure Jon wants to post as well.


Friday, May 06, 2005

Day Three (cont'd): Redding, CA to Eugene, OR

Mile 676.1 -- Back on the road...again. Jon's driving this time.

Mile 683 -- We drive by the future site of the Tragedy at the Family Fun Center. Also noteworthy this mile: Jeff doesn't take very good notes.

Mile 699 -- 400 miles to Portland! Except we're not going there tonight. Hi, useless signage.

Mile 702 -- Rain begins again. Oh yeah, we still need windshield wipers. luckily, we're 398 miles away from the nearest city.

Mile 722 -- Bear crossing sign! (No, Cristin, not that kind of bear! Grrr!)

Mile 757 -- Torrential rains turn into a fine mist. Rainbow ensues.

Mile 795 -- "Welcome to Oregon!" Pop. 3,421,399.

Mile 799 -- Welcome to Wall of Fog. Visibility: 3.421399 inches.

Mile 802 -- Jeff hates Oregon, because he can't see it.

Mile 807 -- Ashland, OR. Jon announces, "It looks like West Virginia." We pull off looking for a rest room. The sign said it was off this exit. Hi, we have to pee!

Mile 809 -- HI, LIAR SIGNS THAT PROMISED A POTTY! Hi, we may wet ourselves. Stupid wet underpants in Oregon.

Mile 810 -- We finally arrive at the Pee Station. Road Trip Lesson #2: In Oregon, all gas stations are full service. "It's state law."

Mile 813 -- Trying to find the I-5 North by going back the way we came proves to be a foolish move, as we almost drive directly onto the 5 South. Jon makes a violent U-turn and nearly drives us off a cliff. Heart attack ensues.

Mile 816 -- Apparently, the entrance to the 5 North is one second away from the Full Service Pee Station we just frequented. Hi, we're dumb.

Mile 853 -- 145 Miles to Eugene, OR.

Mile 862 -- Dinner Break at Della's Diner. We love Aurora, our waitress.

Mile 864 -- Jon hates Jeff's iTunes for some reason.

Mile 879 -- iTunes hates Jon back with the theme from the show Jeff and Jon are running away from. "A little feng shui just north of LA," everyone.

Mile 883 -- Total Darkness on the roads, both in front of and behind us. Jon is convinced that zombies, Jason, Freddy, the Jeepers Creeper and other monsters are around. Jon forces Jeff to check the backseat to make sure no one is lurking. Not surprisingly, no one is there.

Mile 888 -- We're at mile 888! Apparently, Jeff still doesn't know how to take good notes.

Mile 889 -- Jeff decides to play LFO's "Summer Girls" song from HIS iTunes collection. And no, Jon didn't request it...but he is singing along.

Mile 900 -- 98 miles to Eugene!

Mile 902 -- It's raining. Again.

Mile 912 -- Sharp curves nearly kill us! AHHHH!!

Mile 945 -- Jeff is convinced he has Jizzy-eye from the motel last night.

Mile 998 -- Arrival at the Best Western hotel in Eugene, OR. A chain hotel, in order to avoid a repeat of last night's event. Luckily, there are no homos in Eugene, OR.

All That Jizz

I'm not gonna lie to you: This morning was a little rough. After a night of drinking a lot (and apparently blogging a little) I woke up with what was my 2nd hangover ever. Ugh. Either that, or the jizz on the pillows of the sex-hotel leaked into my brain. Personally, I'm praying that it was just the booze.

But Jon and I grabbed some food, felt better and drove the 3ish hours to Redding, CA to meet up with his college friend, Peggy. We ate at a place called Damburger, and then drove to Whiskeytown Lake.

Jon, Peggy and I saw some steps leading up to the Whiskeytown wilderness, so we decided to go on a little adventure--until Peggy mentioned mountain lions.

Since nature and I don't get along, we decided to turn around and head back to the car. There was some nature-jizz on Jon's jacket, but otherwise we escaped unharmed.

There's a lot of Jizz in this post, and I apologize to MamaRu. But this story has to be told.

Anyway, we're just about to leave Redding for some unknown destination. We're gonna drive till it looks fun, and then stop there. Or maybe we'll drive till it looks boring, and try to fun-up whatever town we wind up in.

Maybe we'll just drive till we hit the 900 mile mark and stop there. (Can you tell I've never been good at planning things?)

You'll just have to tune in later to find out.

I just want to be out of friggin California already!


Day Three: San Fran to Redding to....????

Mile 441 -- Back on the road again!

Mile 444 -- We hit traffic. We're f***ed again!

Mile 446 -- AH! We're trapped in a mountain by the Bay Bridge.

Mile 458 -- We pass by a sign that reads, "Dam Road." Jeff says, "Take the Damn Road!" Jeff's in comedy jail now.

Mile 477 -- We just discovered it's Friday...not Thursday.

Mile 488 -- Jon discovers the TV Theme Medley on the "Family Guy Live in Vegas" CD.

Mile 511 -- Jon discovers that the rest of the "Family Guy Live in Vegas" CD is not so funny.

Mile 529 -- This "Family Guy Live in Vegas" CD is the worst! Jeff refuses to let Jon turn it off. Jon dies a little bit on the inside.

Mile 537 -- It's time for Cyndi Lauper everyone!

Mile 545 -- SHE BOP! (Gayest car ride ever)

Mile 559 -- A crop duster almost crashes into us.

Mile 591 -- We pass by Road 27. Jeff thinks we already passed by Road 27. Hi...we're driving in circles.

Mile 595 -- Jon wants to go to "Black Butte Lake." Hot.

Mile 605 -- It's 90s Flashback hour with "Peaches," by the Presidents of the United States of America.

Mile 606 -- Sheep are everywhere.

Mile 647 -- We just passed by an elderly lady driving her Cadillac with an oxygen tube in her nose...despite the fresh country air that surrounds her.

Mile 651 -- OMG...we are running late to meet Peggy (Jon's Wesleyan friend) for lunch. AH!

Mile 652 -- Peggy isn't picking up her cell phone. We are Peggy-less in Redding.

Mile 656 -- We're in Redding! Peggy finds her cell phone.

Mile 659 -- Peggy treats us to lunch at "Damburger." Delicious. Jeff remains in comedy jail with the phrase, "Eat the damnburger!" He'll rot in there like the meat at Damburger.

Mile 675 -- Back on the road again!

Mile 675.1 -- Coffee/Blogging break at "Breaking New Grounds."

Beck's Motor Lodge : A Photo Essay

The sign makes it look almost home-y...instead of homo-y.

The Key Card advertisement for "Walgreens" was our first clue that Beck's Motor Lodge might not be such a "high class" establishment.

We are pretty sure that the elevator was older than the man leering around the third floor.


So this guy... PART TWO

So Jeff is in the closet right now...changing into his pajamas in the dark. I'm hoping he comes out of the closet all in one piece, because there could be a trap door in there and one of the interlopers outside could have found a way in and then we'd be done for.

Tonight, we went to "The Bar" in the Castro to celebrate Cinco de Mayo/Day Two of our road trip. I ran into my friend's ex....a guy that tried to make out with me at Micky's four years well as a guy from Wesleyan who I didn't say hi to, because I wasn't in the mood for an awkward conversation how terrible the food was at MoCon. There was also a boy from DC who chatted with us for quite a while. He seemed "very nice," except for the fact that he berated us for not having any of the "good LA pot."

Hi...super crazy!

PS: I'm sleeping in my clothes tonight, because I'm afraid that I'm gonna catch some veneral disease from the jizzy sex hotel sheets.

OMG, please send help and spermacide.

So this guy...

So Jon and I went out tonight and this weird guy from WASHINGTON F-ING D.C. nearly dropped dead when we told him where we were staying. He said, "As long as you're not there for the weekend, you should be safe." Then he wanted to go on a hike with us at 2AM. No thanks.



Also--there was a margarita special and I'm done.

and there are two creepy men who ought to be ashamed of themselves outside of our hotel right now. I need to remove my contact lenses and go to sleep and pray that no one touches us...

Jon is showing me the REACH(TM) flosser now. I gotta go.


Thursday, May 05, 2005

Two Diamonds up the A**

FYI: AAA gave Beck's Motor Lodge -- TWO DIAMONDS!

Right now, Jeff and I are going to go buy chastity belts...across the street from Becks at the Leather Shoppe.

Hating the Haight All Over Again

Hola! Happy Cinco de Mayo!

No. I’m not drunk yet. This morning, we left the bloody Ramada for the comforts of the Beck’s Motor Lodge. Jill and Lulu are in charge there and they’re one thousand years old and amazing. (Jill’s my favorite. She might be The One.)

It’s pretty incredible how nice everyone is up here in San Fran. People actually grin at you as you cross the street in front of them - and not the crazy grins that you get in LA, either. Actual, genuine “It’s good to be alive” smiles. Even the boys serving coffee at Starbucks are pleasant—especially the hot ones that are missing some fingers! (I think he might be The One, too.) In other news, I’ve decided that maybe what I really need is a disfigured boy with low self-esteem to love me. Is that wrong?

Moving on, Jon and I walked over to Haight Street where I, once again, remembered that I hate the Haight. Why must I be forced to walk up these ridiculous hills? Can’t something be done? I guess the upside is I’m losing some of the weight I gained from devouring a box of Fiddle Faddle during our trip up here yesterday.

While on Haight, Jon and I discovered a videogame called “Ms. Pacman After Dark,” which, despite it’s porny name, is merely Ms. Pacman with invisible walls.

During the course of our day, we walked six miles. (Jon is wearing a pedometer. No, I’m not kidding.) Then we went back to the hotel and took a quick nap. Upon waking up, Jon noticed some creepy guy loitering outside of our room. As we left the hotel to go downtown, we saw a second creepy guy lingering. Apparently, old men like to hang out this motor lodge, looking for some quick and dirty action.

When we googled it just now, the following entry came up in the results:

Eros is the only sex club near the Castro (unless you count Beck's Motor Lodge).

Once again, I’m horrified, and once again, I blame Ruane.

Big shout-out to MamaRu! I love your son and all, but he’s trying to get me killed. “Or raped,” he adds, helpfully.

Now, we’re off to drink our troubles away. Happy Cinco!

Oh! Some of the pictures are now posted on the blog—check ‘em out. Also be sure to check out the photos of our badly decomposing bodies that will no doubt be posted all over the news after our night in THE GAYEST HOTEL EVER.

Good day.

Happy Birthday Jack the Ass!

Happy Birthday Jack! You're all grows up!

Shout out to Donna and the girls of Webcor.


The Ramada Plaza Hotel : A Cut Above the Rest

Yesterday, while Jeff was busy driving, I was put in charge of finding us a hotel in San Fran. I pulled out my handy AAA guide to Northern California and tried to find us a hotel that was close to the Castro without actually being in the Castro (we may be gay, but we aren't THAT gay). The Ramada Plaza Hotel Downtown seemed to be the perfect balance of close but not too close to San Fran's infamous gayborhood.

A few hours later, when we arrived at the Ramada, I realized that I booked us into the Ramada that was right around the corner from the Hastings Law School Dorms, where the big sister and I lived in during the summer of 2000.

Here's the thing about that means we are staying in the Tenderloin (aka: the worst part of San Fran).

Did I mention that a homeless person got stabbed to death outside of our building the day before Rachel and I left San Fran for good? As happened RIGHT across the street from the Ramada???

Needless to say...we are now spending our second night in San Francisco at Beck's Motor Lodge...which is located right smack in the middle of the Castro.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Remember when. . .

Remember when I wanted to drive up the coast in order to see its majestic beauty? Well, the 1 (otherwise known as the Pacific Coast Highway) seems to have become quite adept at keeping drivers the hell off of it.

We lost the PCH somewhere just outside of LA and never really found it again, which is fine, since it adds about three hours to the trip from LA to San Fran. Besides, it was cloudy and who really wants to see the ocean when the sun isn't out? So, we altered our plans and took the 101 up through the mountains in order to expedite our trip. We'll try again on the way back down the coast, since I'm sure we won't be exhausted at all.

For those of you taking notes, dinner with Lego has been cancelled and rescheduled for tomorrow.

Speaking of taking notes--Jon and I have decided to log our trip mile-by-mile in a marble notebook, the contents of which will be posted as we have the time. I'm sure you'll want to read this travelogue over and over again, possibly to lull your loved-ones into a coma.

Tonight: Jon and I are heading out into the rainy San Fran night to see what sort of trouble lurks for us.
Tomorrow: We'll see the sights (or, rather, Jon will see the sights and I will whine about being forced to walk up the hills of San Fran.) Maybe we'll post some pictures, too.


Day One : LA to San Fran

Mile 20 -- Jeff was speeding in Malibu. We hit a giant pothole/hill thing and caught air. Hi...we almost died.

Mile 56 -- We pass a sign that says "End of Freeway."

JEFF: "Uh oh...end of freeway."

JON: "Oh...that just means that the freeway is going to end."

Mile 60 -- Jeff wonders where the ocean went. We are official Oxnard...surrounded by orange groves...exactly like in this Monday's episode of the "big pile of who cares" that we are escaping from. Jon and Jeff are chaotic.

Mile 66 -- Back on Track...and we're fucked. Bad traffic on the 101 at 2:35pm. What the F? It's not even rush hour and we're in Oxnard!!!

Mile 68 -- A half hour later...we've gone two miles.

Mile 69 -- There's a welder taking up an entire lane. Thanks.

Mile 90 -- First sign for San Fran! 90 Miles down...353 Miles to go. And oh yeah, it's already 3:15pm.

Mile 99 -- First pee break at 3:25pm. Traffic and construction ensue.

Mile 99.1 -- 3:34pm. Too much construction + Traffic = Pee break aborted

Mile 99.8 -- Hi...we got lost leaving the gas station from Pee break redux.

Mile 100 -- Jeff has loses his mind in front of Montecito Shores. U-turns are chaotic.

Mile 101 -- Back on track.

Mile 165 -- Jon learns that one should not ignore government issued letters...especially from the unemployment office.

Mile 175 -- Late linner at Pappy's Diner in Santa Maria. Name of our waitress: Pamela. Good greasy food, crispy bacon, happy drivers.

Mile 288 -- Road Trip Lesson #1: Carl's Jr. Coffee is not so good, but their cookies are really soft.

Mile 295 -- Sugar-Free Red Bull #1 + Shaking your head around = Carsick

Mile 303 -- Jeff announces, "We really are in the middle of nowhere."

Mile 309 -- It begins to rain. Miles to San Francisco: 130

Mile 343 -- Jeff asks, "Does Target sell windshield wipers?"

Mile 359 -- After passing both Garlic Farm and Garlic Shoppe, Jon announces that we're in "garlicville."

Mile 384 -- Miles to San Francisco: 57. Jon's Sugar-Free Red Bull Count: 2.

Mile 400 -- It's Monsooning outside of San Fran. They must know we're coming.

Mile 407 -- IT'S ON! Jeff and Jon are having a bladder infection contest (who can hold off wazzing the longest).

Mile 433 -- We're officially in San Fran.

Mile 438 -- San Fran seems to be evacuating. Jon thinks there are zombies afoot.

Mile 439 -- We're here!

Mile 439.1 -- Jon loses the bladder infection contest.

Late as usual...

Well, it's 12 past 12 and we're still "getting situated." We stopped at the dollar store to pick up gross sugary snacks for our poorly planned road trip. (Including the biggest box of Orange Tic-Tacs I have ever seen.)

We're at Jon's house and he just informed me that the front door to my car has been wide open for the past half-hour or so, while we've been getting situated. This seems like a bad start to the trip. Thank God the tic-tacs are still there.

But we're packed and ready to hit the road: First stop, dinner in San Francisco with Rene Lego!


Tuesday, May 03, 2005

it begins tomorrow...

We leave tomorrow morning at 10:30am-ish.

Send help.